my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
