Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
