This girl is more easily done than said...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
