I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
