i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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