There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
