You really coming over, don't trick.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
