I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
