I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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