Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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