ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
