hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
