I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
