the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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