Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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