I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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