Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My penis needs a shock collar
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
