guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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