No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
