Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize