UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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