My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
