im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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