She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
