So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
