i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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