Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
