I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
