I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
