u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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