I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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