highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
