Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
