Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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