he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
