Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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