Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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