drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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