he told me I talked like a deaf person
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
