bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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