Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
