did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
