Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
whose ass print is on the piano?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
