there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
