y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
