Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
