I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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