The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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