i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
