someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
