I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
