I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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