The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
