there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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