His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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