You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
