I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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