When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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