theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We're too hungover to prance.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
