No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
