Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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