ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I understand Curling. That high.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
