The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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