Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
