It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize