I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
