You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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