the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize