Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
