We won't sleep together?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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