I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize