Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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