does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
