is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
