Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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