remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
