I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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