I wish I could teleport
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
