Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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